Monday, 8 March 2010

Liveblogging :The Oscars, 2010!

Hi People,

It's only the early hours of Monday March 8th here in England, and I may lose interest in this bullshit, but I'm going to do a bit of Oscars coverage.

00.42 GMT: The cunts covering this on E!Online are totally gaying out, and banging on about dresses, styles, and that sort of stuff.

00.44 Ryan Seacrest is talking to some bird from Ugly Betty, who is helping to present. He's dropping a huge, clunking hint that somebody who appears at a lot of awards ceremonies, including one this year, might be making an appearance. My gut instinct says RICKY GERVAIS.

00.47 US TV is on ad breaks. They keep showing adverts highlighting the tragedy of cervical cancer experienced by women, and advising that people go and see their doctor. What about the 40 million people in the US who don't have medical care cos they can't afford it?

00.48 We're back to the gayfest.Ugly Betty woman and her camp friend are complementing Meryl Streep on her dress. Sanity, in the form of Gerard Butler, prevails as the action switches to Seacrest interviewing him. Butler is explaining what a "moonie" (showing your arse) is to Seacrest.

00.50 Now it's turn for Jason Bateman. I'm off for a piss.

00.52 Finally he's interviewing someone decent. The Dude.

00.54 It's all too fleeting, and we're back with the cretin twins. They have some phone in result, suggesting George Clooney will win over Jeff Bridges for best actor. Having seen Clooney's performance in Up In The Air, I say, furry muff.

00.59 Cameron Diaz is on.  Looking incredible, but she's more than just crumpet, fair play to her. Doing a cheezy skit about the Hollywood extended family of beautiful people, mind.

01.02. Switching now from the celebrity cuntfest on the red carpet stream, to the actual ceremony inside. Hopefully better returns.

01.04 Montage time. Following Sky movies coverage, with Claudia Winkleman. Man, she is hot.

01.05. I am being spoiled. She is joined by comedian / intellectual David Baddiel (not as shit as he is often depicted to be), Ronnie Ancona (just incredibly beautiful, and well spoken, and stuff), and some other cunt I don't know or care about.  Oh no, actually, he does some movie stuff on British telly. He's half decent.

01.07 A VT tonight's Oscars are to be presented by Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Both fairly decent blokes.

01.13.The panel are discussing the politics of Avatar vs Hurt Locker, and A Serious Man, etc.

01.15 Another VT, more analysis. Jeff Bridges for best male? My take, the Oscars are so out of touch, it takes them years to get round to recognising people. Jeff should have won for the Big Lebowski, so I think he'll get it now, fucking years later. The Travesty that was Mickey Rourke not getting it last year is mentioned.

1.22 I'm off for a piss again. Angela Griffin is looking hot and is on telly. She is "so in love" with Sarah Jessica Parker. I'd like to see that. Off for a piss. Again.

1.28. Ronnie Ancona does a great impression of a generic young female actress accepting an award in a histrionic style. Everyone around her responds with complete indifference and just moves on. Bloody fools.

1.30. Finally. That annoying, trashy no-business-like-show-business musak. It's showtime, ladies and gennelmen!

1.33 A fucking Song and dance musical theatre number with Doogie Houser MD.  Fucksake.

1.35 End of the dance. The Double Act begins. They introduce each other.

 1.36. Apparently 6,000 members of the Academy are polled for the awards. The duo seemed to be putting on their best Anglicised accents. Why is that?

1.42 The duo introduce most of the main contenders with a series of lame insults. The manage to set up the Cameron vs Bigelow battle, amongst other things. Alec Baldwin keeps putting on a faux English accent, for no good reason. A stream of lame gags, taking in the usual suspects. None of them particularly funny, and all within the accepted Hollywood conventions and parameters.Where is Ricky Gervais when you need him?

1.46. I saw Invictus recently and I can hardly remember it. They're showing the VT. I like Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon, and Nelson Mandela for that matter but it was just not very good. Christopher Plumber is up there at the ripe old age of 80. I like that dude. Give it to him. Actually. I want Christopher Waltz to get it. He must. He will.

1.49 He Does. Surprise.He is incredibly kind and verbose as he thanks everyone else who was in Inglorious Basterds. Then off, according to this new rule limiting time. Fact is, he carried pretty much everyone in that movie, including Quentin Tarantino.

1.54. We're back with the Oscar panel here in England. I've just noticed this bunch are wearing tuxedos and dresses. I guess these award ceremonies bring out the social climbing, try-hards in everybody.

1.56. Steve Carrell, and Cameron Diaz present Animated films, I think. Diaz loses her way with the teleprompter. I shall skip the blonde jokes, as I think Diaz is pretty intelligent, and hell, who wouldn't be a bit flabbergasted by Oscar nite?

1.58. Shit VT with lots of animated pricks going on about being nominated for an Oscar.

1.59. I've seen fuck all of this, movie wise. Up wins. Fair play.There's something vaguely indie movie and alternative and rebellious about this category and the dude and the movie that won it. More of that, please.

2.01. Myley Cyrus is soooo hot. Jailbait.

2.05 It's good to see a VT of District 9, and to see Incvictus nominated, and Christoph Waltz win. Course, Slumdog sweeped the boards last year. It's good to see Oscars reaching out into the world, and go beyond the confines of the US, it makes them more relevant, I feel.

2.13 Vaguely mistifying fake Anglo accent from Baldwin, then the yummy Tina Fey comes on with Robert Downey. I refuse to call him Junior. There's just no need for it, frankly.

2.14. It strikes me as I see Brad Pitt's role in Inglorgious Basterds briefly in the VT for nominees that the horror of the violence-hungry character he plays is probably lost on US Audiences. Mark Boal wins for his script of The Hurt Locker. this was the only movie that escapes any moral evaluation of the US presence in Iraq made by Hollywood, and it is a huge critical success. What does that tell you?

2.18 Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick introduce and give their take on a memorial to John Hughes. Amen.

2.20. He captured the pain,the anger, the confusion, and the wonder of being young so beautifully. Probably better than anyone before or since. What a waste. Incredible VT.

2.23 Some of his most famous actors get on stage to thank him. MacCaulay Culkin has me breaking up, as he pauses. Wow.

2.24. Samuel L Jackson presents a VT. Maaaayn.. I need me a taaaasty Buuurger.

2.36 Some poor fucker is getting his 45 seconds of fame hijacked.

2.40 Ben Stiller is totally weirding me and everyone else out with his makeup as a Nav'i, with some dialect to match. completely WEIRD.

2.42. Star Trek wins for Makeup and stuff. Who 'king cares.

I am getting the feeling I'm on to diminishing returns. Plus, I've run out of booze. That's it for now.